Train like a Pro

 In preparation for a ride... I have developed a series of performance enhancing methods of diet and training for those rides that require more than the average of personal exertion.  Careful scientific calculations have been studied and considered.  Research into the power packed training of pro athletes aided the design.  To start, one must begin the diet and training the day before.  A dinner of proper balance is needed to give the right amount of nutrition, and fuel for the coming ride.  I usually go with a burger, fries and shake.  Get the deluxe burger, since it has veggies to round off the food groups.  No ketchup is not a vegetable.  My next step is to pack in more calories for the burner by getting a double dip ice cream cone.  The flavor is not as important as the choice of cone.  Waffle.  No cake cone will do.

That ends the "day before" dietary regiment.  for the work out portion, just take small bites and perform full motion techniques in your eating method.  Set the burger down between bites, then lift eat and repeat.  Holding the burger in your hands and keeping it lifted close is just lazy.  Get serious.

The morning of the ride or event, I start the day loading up with serious energy building protein.  Cocoa puffs, or Pebbles do the trick.  These ranked very high in my research of the athlete diets from snowboarding.  Since it is a pre-ride meal, keep it light by having only three bowls, and use skim milk.  The training portion for the morning of the ride is simple.  Use the bathroom.  A healthy half hour read in the can is a good way to reduce pre ride weight, and just make you feel a bit peppy.  Don't force it though, since you will be sitting on the least forgiving seat later in the day.
During the ride, it is always good to have some supplements and energy producing snacks and beverages.  Forget power bars, and those little powder packs for your water.  I stock up on granola bars (chocolate are good), and some energy drinks (Monster is my preferred).  Water is important though for hydration, and drinking that much of an energy drink during a ride is not good for the body, or urine color.  On one occasion I made this mistake and swear that my body didn't remove any of the artificial colors.  While cool looking, it was also scary.

Directly before the ride a good stretch is recommended.  Forget the kind that those Lycra clad types do, and bend down and check your laces are double knotted.  Tilt your bike over a little towards you and awkwardly get a leg over it to mount up.  Repeat this until you look less ridiculous.  Ride the bike in a circle in as tight a pattern as you can without falling down.  This one is important for getting your form right to avoid those potholes and suicidal chipmunks.     A good stretch can help avoid cramps later in a ride, just don't stretch yourself into a cramp.


For rides along predetermined routes, check ahead.  There may be some good places to stop and get a snack.  Drivethru's are very bicycle accommodating.  Loading on fuel during a ride can keep you moving through to the end but do not be a glutton.  Eating too much can load you down.  Seek Balance.
There, the secrets of my performance enhancing training routine.   I use this for everything, not just cycling.  Sometimes mix it up with a mocha-chino, latte or smoothie added to your breakfast for some variety.  Use proper portion control as well.  The rule for portions is to have each food group represented by a portion size equivalent to the center part of the palm of a hand.  For reference, my portions measure up to Andre' the giant's hands. Those things were huge.
Best of luck, and always include your doctor for advice before you start training.  I would recommend mine, but he is taking no more patients since his last triple bypass surgery.